advice, thoughts

One step forward, two steps back…

Firstly, I would like to to properly thank all the people who have taken the time to read any of the posts on my blog and for the overwhelming amount of support. I know I’ve said it a lot- but it really does mean the world. I have been wanting to do this for a long time and to finally do it and then get this sort of response. Well, I just feel so blessed.

I have recently been going through a “not good enough” phase. It is a really strange feeling because I am able to objectively look at myself and consider all I have achieved and be proud of that. Yet at the same time, I still look at all of that and feel like none of it is good enough. It really is a case of taking one step forward and two steps back. With each new and outwardly impressive success I become increasingly aware of my inadequacies and what I haven’t achieved. (click here to read my post about appreciating what you have)

The more I learn, the less I realise I know. The more I achieve, the more I realise is out there to do…

For me, I find this statement so accurate. For example, I find that revision always feels achievable before you have started. Even though you haven’t read a single page of that textbook that is in the corner of your room gathering dust, you generally feel optimistic blissfully unaware of the magnitude of your workload. Then you begin to revise and then you get that wave of all consuming panic and begin to think: “maybe I did leave this too late?”. Ironically you have learnt more than you knew before you started but are now feeling worse off because you finally realise how much there is out there. That is how I feel which each progression. When I was younger I used to think I was absolutely fabulous. I had that innate self confidence that most children have. However, as I have grown up this confidence has become less and less intuitive and I have begun to question my ability even though I’m way more able now than my ten year old self.

I have quickly realised that every time I achieve something I think that will be it. After I have achieved this new ‘thing’ then I will feel good enough. But then it doesn’t so I look to the next thing but still nothing. Of course in the moment I’m so happy but this soon wares off. None of these ‘things’ will bring me happiness in life. Well perhaps momentarily but if you as a sole entity are not intrinsically happy with yourself then nothing will change that worth. You can be the Prime Minister or the CEO of a multi-billion pound company, but if these things are making up your self-worth then they won’t make you happy. They are only a small part of who you are and are not the entirety of your being.

I need to stop finding happiness in the superfluous and feel enough as a person.

After talking it over with some friends, it seems like a lot of people get this ‘not good enough’ feeling too. There is a tendency to look at all the people around you and feel like they are doing so much more than you. I felt this way when I first got LinkedIn. It is so easy when you get a new ‘connection’ to see all they have done and everything you’ve done just pales in comparison. Then I talked to a friend and she got really angry with me and told me that she had always been jealous of me because she felt I was doing so much and had my life together. Can you believe that? Of me? Then it suddenly dawned on me: nobody truly feels good enough. At least, not all of the time.

Sometimes being hard on yourself can make you more ambitious. It is so easy to get complacent and be all: “look at me and my long list of achievements”. But being overly critical, well that can lead to a road of destruction. We need to learn to see these ‘things’ for what they truly are – things. So when someone next tells you or posts on their social media profiles about their latest success, do not compare yourself and just be happy for them. Someone else being fabulous does not make you any less fabulous.

This is a very personal post which I guess is just an affirmation of self-worth and encouragement to anyone else who may be going through a similar feeling. We are wonderful people even without all these titles, positions or grades.

It’s just me, Dammy, and I am enough.



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